Bottoms up, now just watch me walk away.
Umm. I’m still not exactly sure how people use tumblr, but I know it’s kind of supposed to be a blog, so I’m going to explode to the Internet for a minute. Yesterday, almost immediately upon waking, I found out that the first “boyfriend” I ever had when I was like 10, my first kiss, had committed suicide sometime Friday night. I haven’t spoken to him in probably three years (I moved across the country almost 6 years ago), so I know that this is nothing to me compared to what his family and friends are dealing with. BUT I am hurt, I am heartbroken, and right now I am bordering on angry. I have always heard people say that suicide is a selfish act, and I didn’t understand it for the longest time. I mean, it’s their life, right? No. Wrong. That life is a piece of all of the lives around it. I know this from experience. In October of 2010 someone very important to me and very, very close to my heart committed suicide. In the following days I began having panic attacks that have not gone away to this day, and I honestly don’t believe they ever will. I spiraled into a very dark place, until I wound up in a psychiatric hospital in May 2011. I stayed there for 17 days and I’ve never quite been the same. But I needed help. Everyone needs help sometimes, and taking your life is not an option. You never know what kind if serious and permanent damage you could inflict on someone you love. On everyone you love. I have been a close friend or a distant bystander in a few tragic deaths. But I can’t imagine the road to recovery after getting that call, that knock at the door, or even finding that person yourself… Waking up in the middle of the night to find that your child, sibling, parent, spouse HAS TAKEN THEIR OWN LIFE. That pain is absolutely unimaginable to me, and I pray that it stays that way. So many people don’t get that lucky. I will always stand up strong for suicide awareness and prevention. There is help available for anyone who needs it. If you are in crisis, an emergency room or mental health center cannot turn you away. There are therapy hotlines. Anything. I’ve been in that darkness before, and I still battle anxiety, fear, and panic every day of my life. But not only is my life worth living, the people around me and the people I love are worth living for.